fun filled experiments in creating peace

Come on. "fun filled experiments in creating peace street faire"? I am not making this crap up. Worse still, apparently this is the 9th year.

"hosting magic and other performances"

If there's gonna be magic, I sure hope the stallion is going to be there. Either him or David Copperfield.

race riots

I'm not trying to downplay the vast array of impressive race riots throughout America's history (to say nothing of the civil war) but I will point out we got Watts and we got the Rodney King verdict inspired LA Riots in the last 50 or so years and that should count for something.

Now, race riots are technically nothing to be proud of, but when you don't have any quality looting associated with your local sports franchises, you've got to throw something up there.

apple computers

you knew this was coming didn't you?

I get these emails all the time - Bou', you haven't really mentioned Steve Jobs yet, why not?

Well, I probably will some day soon (and I will not forget all the other California CEO luminaries either), but I doubt I can do a better job than Steve Jobs himself.

What I will do here is spend just a few moments on the company formerly known as NeXT.

I focus on apple because it is essentially the quintessential California company: smug, fashionable, smug, expensive, self aggrandizing, and smug. I might suggest that there are other companies in the running on the ecosmug tip, but I'm talking about NeXT now.

Secrets? check

Special KoolAide? check

Genuinely innovative products? check

Smug dial that goes up to 11? check; and I'll point out that the macbookpro goes up to 12 in the function keys.

CEO that wears the same clothes every day? check

Stole all their ideas that then got stolen from them? check

Am I missing anything? oh yeah, a DIVIDEND!!!

mexican restaurants with $20 entrees

It should not cost 20 dollars for a single chile relleno.

I am pretty sure the whole idea behind 40 dollar meals at mexican restaurants is to equate mexico with europe, which fits right in with California loving europeans and mexicans more than the rest of America. I suppose the next thing we'll see is gagillionaire mexican aerospace engineers drinking cabo wabo at their places "en baja" partnering with Airbus to underbid Boeing to supply jets to the last remaining American airline.

Look, it's got to start somewhere and my guess is a 20 dollar chile relleno is just the place.

for the record $40 should get a family of four both full and drunk at a mexican restaurant.

That said, the 20 dollar chile relleno I had yesterday was pretty damned tasty, and herein lies the dichotomy - I'm going to buy some EAD stock and a bottle of cabo wabo now.

presidential support stickers in foreign languages or alphabets

so far I have seen Obama and Hillary bumper stickers in spanish and hebrew.

I will confess that I have no idea what language george bush supporters are speaking but, whatever it is, I'm sure the w they use counts too.

I want to emphasize that if California were kicked out of the union this is unlikely to continue.

palm springs = 9th ring

here's a challenge:

try and prevent one person associated with palm springs from going to hell.

palm springs is so wrong that padre pio and mother teresa would be shat from the rectum of damocles directly into the 9th circle of dante's inferno for playing 18 holes here.

yes, there is no water here. sure, they call it palm springs; find one - I dare you.

where does all the water come from and why is it either being spilled on the ground or put into little plastic bottles?

I used to hang out here with gerald ford in the winter time and play pinochle and golf on alternate days. The dates were pretty good. (not like from Basra, but hey, how could they be?) These days, there're no dates left, just golf courses and RV parking communities behind stucco fences. Apparently no one but Hillary Clinton plays pinochle any more either.

I miss Gerald.

Just the same, this waste land should be banished from the United States.

tattoos of california

i will admit that it's not as bad as getting a tattoo of your area code, but getting a tattoo that says "cali", especially getting a tattoo that says "cali" across your belly in faux western font, it's retarded.

many people will wonder why, but I promise that scientifically, it's been proven that a tattoo of any state other than california is WAY less retarded.

I point this out but I will also point out that t-shirts that are of other states are hit or miss. Regardless, they are more likely to be worn ironically in california in a way that is insulting and belittling to pretty much every other state in the union.

Please do not blame me for faux seventies california sunset t-shirts. it's not my fault.

very rich does not equal very important

So, when did being able to afford expensive tickets suddenly make someone a VIP?

I am trying to figure this out:

Former secretary general of the UN - important. yes. obviously. membership has its privileges.

50 year old housewife from the palisades who wants to see what Coachella is all about - important? no; rich. membership still has its privileges, but come on, not the same club! (hint - theirs is the Jonathan club)

So you decided to get the AMG package on your Mercedes because you might need to merge on to the 405 at 20 miles an hour, (maybe you should just get a performance brakes package instead, you live in LA after all) but why does that mean you get to hang out with former heads of state?

Also, note to Coachella management: VIP areas should have crudités. Take a note: selling VIP tickets is not the same as having VIPs. VIPs need crudités. You want a VIP area, invest in some crudités.

American Apparel

Where else but in los angeles can a CEO exploit poor mexicans, have sex with and take explicit photographs of his young employees and brand and package all of that as desirable?

NOWHERE!!!

The name should not be lost on anyone. In fact, if all goes according to plan, you may be able to force them to change their name to American Apparel of California if not to Californian Apparel.

fashionistas that are basically naked

It's entirely possible that Boutros' problem is that he is at the Coachella music festival (undoubtedly the subject of a future post), but I've got to point out that wearing as close to nothing as possible but calling it fashion is approximately totally bogus.

You are trying to be naked in public, not fashionable.

In addition to faux vintage tshirts that you can see through being worn with no undergarments, the Bou has noticed actual breasts hanging out of clothes with people completely oblivious to them (well, the rightful owners were oblivious, everyone else seemed to notice).

Yes, it's hot in the dessert. No, being naked is probably not the best solution to the heat.

I will again point to our donation page. For far less than the $400 that fashionistas spend to be naked you can sleep well knowing we're doing our part to relegate these ladies to the same status of San Tropez - as in OUT OF THE UNITED STATES!!!

makeup on men

No, rock and roll is not an excuse. you are wearing makeup.

I'm talking to you, Steven Tyler.

Gross.

Celebrating 4/20 in a field with stinky hippies

I don't have to do anything more than point to these pictures.

Frankly, I don't see why they called the police, it looks like they should have called a fire truck based on all the weed those kids were burning.

Talk about a grass fire.

the united nations

Well with none other than the honorable Boutros Boutros Ghali as your emcee you had to see this one coming didn't you?

That's right: California is responsible for the United Nations.

You may know this organization as the precursor to the Empire in those 45 or so Star Wars movies, but in reality, well, umm,...anyway.

The United Nations was chartered in San Francisco in 1945.

Most of you that aren't Star Wars fans will recognize the UN as either the beginning or the end of the world. I for one, am pretty sure it's not the worst place to work in the world.

carrotmobs

so, here's the basic idea: you're rich, 'kay? and you, like, want people to respect what're, like, your opinions right? so what do you do? well, how about you promise to spend your money at their store if they do what you want? you get to feel good about yourself; you're saving the environment while getting stuff you want. But better than that - you get to tell some lowly small business owner that they ought to be doing what you want them to do with all that money you're giving them.

All of the benefits of slavery with none of the guilt - a real win/win scenario. You win because you get to spend your money on crap you want and you win because you get to force people to agree with you because you're rich!

AWESOME!!!

Now if only one of the fourteen Medical Cannabis Dispensaries in your hood will sign up you can really stick it to the man.

frank zappa

I figure if I'm going to start listing individual Californians I better start with the very best example of the benefits of kicking California out of the union.

Frank Zappa.

You remember, the whole PMRC fight with Tipper Gore (funny how they never mentioned that during the presidential races), but lets not forgot all the other great Zappa-isms:

1) Wearing blackface on an album with an integrated band

2) Making fun of other people's religions

3) Songs like "why does it hurt when I pee?"

4) LONG HAIR

and that's all just on ONE ALBUM!!!

This guy pretty much epitomizes everything wrong with Californian's smug irony and cynicism AND he bred kids that were not only named Dweezil and Moon Unit, but who are actually Dweezil Zappa and Moon Unit Zappa.

Here's some proof:

more on yoga

I had a realization the other day:

yoga is like drinking alcohol for damned hippies.

so I ask California: what in the hell is so wrong with alcohol? it's bad enough that you banned smoking in rock clubs, what next alcohol in bars?

rich californians

People from san francisco apparently believe that making 200,000.00 US dollars per year does not make you rich. Really.

Frankly, I can't think of anything more absurd. Sure the cost of living is high in San Francisco; Even California's government (which, in case you were wondering, is still a state government - we're working on it), recognizes that a family needs about 70,000.00 US dollars to comfortably get by in the city. So where in the hell do people get off thinking neigh upon a quarter of a million dollars per year doesn't make them rich?

These people are jerks.

Whatever bogus land of make believe you live in (oh yeah, san francisco!) the idea that 3 families of four can survive comfortably on your income and chances are you and your significant other only have a little dog with a nice sweater collection is offensive to the people who are unloading the pallets of those sweaters to say nothing of poor vietnamese children that are knitting those sweaters.

There is little doubt the United States would be better off without these people.

Somebody should try and get them kicked out.

blogging about yoga

I promise you - promise - that I will be posting more about people who blog about everything.

but this (as reported by an allied reader) takes the locally produced artisan dark chocolate made from machines imported from spain flourless cake (I quote in its entirety):

this is an ACTUAL conversation that I overheard in a yoga studio
locker room today:


chick #1: oh my god, it was so hot in there today
chick #2: I know. I totally sweated through my shirt and my sports bra too.
chick #1: wow. you totally did.
chick #2: yeah. that's a lot.
chick #1: you should blog about it.
chick #2: totally. I totally will.

people who make "art" about the "environment"

I know it's weird to point out the New York Times what with this site being about California, but today they featured a "California Artist" who makes art about the environment.

Now, playing with sticks is fine Ms. Laky, but calling it art about the environment or not poking someone in the eye with one of those sticks for doing so, well, it's not okay.

new and improved

kicking a country out of the union is never easy, but we've made it easier.

how much easier you ask.

this much easier.

cars driven by vegetarians that smell like chicken

I shouldn't have to do anything other than shudder after writing that title, but I will instead paint a picture:

Highway 1, somewhere between Santa Cruz and Half Moon Bay.

There are clouds scattered across the sky that seem to float despite the firm, salty breeze that blows your organic wool knitted scarf as you gaze upon the pelicans and cormorants from your cliftop roadside perch.

You sigh as you think about how terrible it is that just a few hundred miles south of here there are oil derricks ruining the view of the channel islands. Form a moment you wonder if you should wait until the sun sets, but then you shiver and realize your almond milk latte may still be warm so you turn around and head back to your either 27 year old Mercedes 300 (pre-83, you note, because it's easier to run SVO with the older engines) or your 2002 Jetta TDI wagon with the custom veggie tank in the back.

You get in, take a sip (it IS still warm, thank goddess), turn the key to warm those little glow plugs, start her up and pull out onto the highway in a black cloud of chicken scented smoke.

As you pull away I can almost make out the "all who wander are not lost" bumper sticker from under the soot.

rancho cucamonga

I really don't even need to put anything after "rancho cucamonga" I mean, come on. THE NAME ALONE.

But wait, that's not all. If you donate now, you'll find that the city's civic operations such as city hall etc. are located in a mall.

yes. city hall = mall.

so, while the name would seem to be enough, we find that in fact the name portends something far, far more sinister: total absurdity. the end, or possibly the highest form of, the american way.

do you part.

stoned people who self identify as political activitsts that were formerly employed

I was on the Standford campus the other day, which, trust me, is reason enough alone to kick California out of the union. I happened to be there attending, for purely social reasons, the FCC's Net Neutrality town hall meeting.

Aside from your ususal queers, linux-o-phile freetards, well to do liberals, communists, advocates for the poor, and tanned and blazer wearing white dudes in their late fifties that clearly don't have to work anymore but pretend to so they can take the tax deductions from their "businesses", there was one group in particular that I will single out for closer inspection:

Stoned people.

But not just any stoned people. The stoned people I am referencing are special, man. There was more than one person during the public comment phase of the meeting who stood up in front of people wearing suits and said (you have to imagine this with a sort of stoned, swollen back of the tongue speech delivery, subtly aided by their brains actually sliding down into their eustachian tubes blocking the passage of air from their nose to their mouth without a thought preventing, close eyed snot sucking head roll) "I used to work as a ...[insert some plausible job here]... but now I am a political activist."

WHAT IN THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?

None of these people were senior citizens, they were all in their 40s or 50s. Why did they USED to work? what are they doing now for money? why is political activism not a job for them?

I have no idea, they probably have no idea.

Well let me tell you, it only gets worse. One of these formerly employed activists, while trying to elucidate his position to the suited ones actually said:

"I envision, like, a bumper sticker that says, like, 'do no harm' you know?"

startups

....I am going to count to three and when I reach the number three you will wake up and you will always think the following:

Whenever anyone says they work for a startup you will understand them to say that they have herpes. They are pretty much the same thing, you can treat them, but it's expensive to do so and they never really go away, they always break out all over the place in embarrassing ways when things seem to be going a little too well, and they seem compelled to be noticed by everyone, even if you're trying not to notice them.

In case you were wondering, California caused the herpes.

1...2...3

That will be $5. Have a good day.

yoga mats

Look, roll on the ground all you want; I know plenty of three year olds and they seem to enjoy it just fine.

I'm not suggesting that there is anything wrong with it even, but none of the three year olds I know carry around a little rolled up mat just for rolling around on.

We all know the real reason is because you are trying to identify members of your open secret club - HEY! I DO YOGA TOO!!! LOOK AT ME!!! WE'RE SO CALM AND COOL!!! except, actually, you're like three year olds than need special diapers to play on ground.




Also: Whose dumbass idea was it to make them "calming" colors like play-doh purple and orange mold green? BOGUS.

not just vanity plates, eco vanity plates

ugh.

I have previously mentioned vanity plates on prii, but here's proof.

"the valley"

Okay, guess what? just because Los Angeles is the center of your world doesn't mean it's the center of THE world.

In fact, though it may be a strain for your smaller than average brain (scientific fact!) there are other valleys in the world. Not only that but there are bigger ones and ones that have more people in them. In fact, the only unique element of "the valley" when compared to all the other valleys in the world is that there is no valley that makes more PORN.

That's it.

This not so subtle self aggrandizing bogusness is a clarion call to the rest of humanity to donate right now so we can ensure that these denizens of and (worse!) migrants from "the valley" and the rest of their californian neighbors are given their rightful place away from the rest of us.

This spoon gagging bogosity is precisely what must be purged.

i met a guy from mendocino county...

yup, pretty much anything I write after this is going to be a good reason to kick california out of the union, but this one is pretty much tops:

i met a guy from mendocino county who said he only sold weed to pay his taxes.

ummm....


...yeah, okay, whatever.

vegetarians that eat fish or chicken

look. vegetarian does not equal fish or chicken. most fish aren't even vegetarian themselves and chickens are about the most opportunistic animals out there. they will eat human babies if given the chance. fake vegetarian californian babies.

i mean it.

point is, don't call yourself a vegetarian if you eat meat of any kind or you will end up getting your state kicked out of the union. straight up.

muscle beach

weightlifting. in public. yep.

what makes muscle beach so perfectly californian is that to be governors, to be movie stars, and to be executed murderous gang members all hang out together, and then in a truly californian fit of californianess, don't hang out together when the chips are down.

van halen

I know I know I know. you're thinkin' Boutros, will we lose van halen if we get california kicked out of the union? I've wondered too.

In fact I've thought long and hard about it. here's what I've come up with:

1) Despite an awful lot of rocking, van halen sucks. No matter what anyone says, they haven't had a great album since 1979 and even that is a stretch by about a year. what really sucks about van halen is that they're like a soap opera instead of like a proper rock band where someone dies and it's over. kinda like cheap trick, except that I'm pretty sure cheap trick has always rocked, hasn't really kicked anyone out and back into the band multiple times, and no one has died (and they're from illinois, which is staying put).

2) Even despite 1) above, it's pretty clear that losing van halen is a real risk for kicking california out of the union - but then it dawned on me:

there are lots of great hard rockin' bands from outside of the united states.

iron maiden comes to mind. so do the scorpions. plus i'm pretty sure that sammy hagar lives in mexico most of the time already anyway.

so it's not all bad. that's all I'm saying. and on the plus side, well, eddie van halen could be denied a visa for the US during his coke binges.

tu ciudad!

look. the mexicans think they have pretty much taken over anyway, so kicking out the state is pretty much a no brainer no? Look, at that point it becomes california's problem, not minnesota's.



pretty much all of that mexico loving and reconquistization is happening in california folks. here's scientific proof.

same sex ballroom cha cha?

look, I can't make this stuff up. same sex ballroom dancing. women dressed as men, women dressed as, well, women. but whatever. don't be fooled by the uk.youtube.com address of this embed. Focus on the song. CALIFORNIA DREAMING. PROOF POSITIVE!

sprouts for a living? come on!

I received a communication from someone in California via an online chat in which I was informed that they SOLD SPROUTS FOR A LIVING!!!!

SPROUTS!

FOR A LIVING!!!

Okay, selling sprouts is bad enough, but doing it for a living?

KICK 'EM OUT!!!!

goddamned happy cows

cows aren't happy animals. Come on, at least half of them are all gothed out in all black anyway.

boobs not bombs

yep. mendo county. must be all the weed and shrooms they grow up there. the county's biggest cash crop is weed. their biggest export, boobs. of all kinds of course.




so there you go. sorry for ruining your meal if you were eating.

can so much kickoutworthiness be wrapped up into one thing?

yes. yes it can.

Theresa Sparks is the president of the San Francisco Police Commission, the CEO of a multimillion-dollar sex toy retailer, and a transgender woman.

Thanks for the tip, Nick.

smug irony

Probably the easiest thing to point to that is wrong with California is the overwhelming sense of smugness that is accompanied by irony. I think a lot of those jerks would call it "wry wit".

Lets face it, do you really have to guess which state the Prius with the vanity plate that says "u (heart) my mpg" is from?

Cafe Gratitude

I shit you not.

More creepy hugs than a NAMBLA meeting. During a meal to boot.

Cafe Gratitude is a San Francisco Bay Area feel good vegan restaurant chain that features such fine dishes as "I am renewed" and "I am aloha". I am not making this up.


Oh and a board game called the abounding river that is designed to "encompasses both training people in a day to day practice as well as discovering a Spiritual foundation that opens up to a whole new way of looking at money and resources. People experience themselves being at the source of unlimited supply."

Like, gag me with a sustainably harvested spoon.

How you are supposed to eat with all the hugging and sensual massages going on I have no idea.

I am pretty sure that this is run by a cult as a tax shelter or recruiting center (or both). There were probably 3 employees for every paying customer.

some people actually need proof

well, we are here for you!

we at the ever industrious kickoutcalifornia.com enterprise, with the help of myself, mr. boutros boutros ghali, know that not everyone thinks kicking california out of the united states is an obviously great idea. we are here to help you prove them wrong, or if you yourself are a bit thickheaded and need convincing, convince you too.

given the awesome power of factoids and truthiness, we're quite sure this won't take long.

nonetheless, we persist in the hopes that all humanity and whoever runs the government will eventually realize how important this momentous decision is.

come, join us. kick out california.