public breast exams

the entire city of san francisco turned into a women only hooters this weekend and featured a massive unclothing and groping session in the name of breast awareness.

anything I could say about it would be repeating exactly what was contained in this news report.

zen retreat centers

you may have heard of these things before. the rest of the world calls them CULTS.

California is filled with them. They're always near the ocean, they've got farms, some of them can actually be seen FROM SPACE.

yes, California has a problem with zen retreat centers.

zen is codeword for communist.

retreat center is code word for either rich people being lazy or terrorist training camp.

I will highlight just a few:

Odiyan

"work as practice"?

this place is run by slaves. it's HUGE. there are either a lot of slaves or a medium amount of very productive ones.

you can see it from space.

Green Gulch Zen Farm

for lazy hippies who don't want to have to drive to far from their san francisco bay area homes to join a cult.

Green Gulch sounds like a social disease. It may actually be one.

Tassajara Zen Mountain Center.

"America's oldest monastery dedicated to buddhism"

if you think that's bad just check out the recent quotes from the LATimes talking about the big sur fires:

"At Tassajara, a crew of monastic protectors showed the same fortitude as suburban homeowners hosing down their homes in the orange glow of approaching flames.

"We don't intend to let the oldest Buddhist monastery in the Western Hemisphere burn," declared Greg Fain, who rushed down from the Bay Area, where he serves as treasurer of the San Francisco Zen Center.

"This place is my heart," said Fain, eyes narrowing behind black horn-rim glasses, his shaved head covered by a yellow baseball cap. "Every time I come over the ridge, my heart starts to soar.""

1) suburbs and zen center are equated.

2) soaring hearts?

3) I take it as a given that san francisco has a zen center, but that it has a treasurer? sheesh.

lovable, but bastards none the less - sham weddings to boot

This past weekend the Bou' did some wedding.

Hang on ladies, and don't worry, the Bou' himself did not get hitched: he was doin' the hitchin'.

I won't get too much into the details (naming names and such) because, well, I was paid not to, but let me just tell you:

There were bastards involved.

This is how California seems to work these days:

We've been living together IN SIN for years, we have a little bastard of our own already, are probably collecting all sorts of government handouts for it too, but we want to have a party - let's pretend to get married!

I'm pretty sure that in all of the hullabaloo surrounding the rampant gay marriages goin' on right now no one bothered to notice that THIS WAS A SHAM WEDDING.

I have two words for you all:

SMOKE

and

MIRRORS

But the food was really good, and the wine was all local. Pretty much totally amazing actually.

What kind of a state lets this sort of thing happen?

NOT THE KIND THAT SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO STAY IN THE UNION THAT'S FOR SURE!!!!

kick 'em out!

SAVE YOURSELF!!!!

CALIFORNIA IS BURNINATING!!!

THERE IS STILL TIME TO KICK IT OUT OF THE UNION IN HOPES THAT THE WHOLE STATE WILL SOMEHOW BE MORE INCLINED TO FALL INTO THE OCEAN SPARING THE REMAINING UNITED STATES!!!!!!

Robert Why?Land

WTF!?

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you Robert Wyland, or just "Wyland" as he prefers to be called. Hopefully right before someone who knew him in high school beats his ass.

a quote:

"I would just say it would be like Picasso lending one of his pieces for a license plate and them saying we're not donating to the Picasso Foundation," said Wyland, an official artist for the United States Olympic Team for the 2008 Games. "They're saying, 'We can get anyone to paint a Picasso.' Well you could, but it wouldn't be a Picasso."

Bobby, you paint dolphins.

developmentally disabled orange county authorities jealous of teenager

It's hard to not be embarrassed of Orange County.

There are TV shows that prove it sucks, there are reality TV shows that prove it sucks even more. There are sheriffs that are criminals. Oh yeah, there are all those people from Orange County too. (the latter two being the hardest to blame on the county to the west northwest).

this one though, really tops it all for me. the OC, which in case you were wondering is probably the name of a TV show but could just be shorthand for too many chromosomes, is prosecuting a HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT for changing his grades.

Seeking THIRTY FIVE years. I'm going to write that out in numbers in case there's anyone from the OC reading: 28 years.

you guys are pathetic.

In rare exception to the formal kickoutcalifornia.com position I'm going to have to suggest that the OC should not be kicked into the same whatever the rest of California is kicked into. PLEASE.

file under: i'd like to return my treo thank you

santa rosa has seen some hard times lately, a housing boom that ruined it's small town feel, a housing bust that ruined the housing boom, a lot of idiots on crystal meth, and a real problem with cell phone operators that someone finally did something about.

yes, you read that line right: ax-wielding bandit. but not just any ax-wielding bandit, a TATTOOED ax-wielding bandit.

and he was wearing fabric on his face. so FACE!

what do californians do when people are rude to waitresses?

STAB THEM!!!

I should clarify that by californians we mean undocumented hondurans, but you get the point.

the moral of the story: if you don't like being called "hon" don't come to california.

there are starving kittens amongst the million dollar homes of monterey

so please, please at all costs do not squander your probably not earned money on starving humans anywhere else in the rest of the world.

more on california's conservative judges

A REAGAN APPOINTEE NOLESS!!!

making available your personal legal papers and pr0n on the same website is not such a good idea when you're a judge.

it's a really bad idea to have the existence thereof discovered the day before opening arguments in an obscenity trial over which you're presiding.

ass sex advocates ruining the sacrosanctity of nuptials

yep, the news over here in California keeps getting better and better.

today, my favorite bit of news is that two counties in California have decided that in order to prevent gay marriages from being performed they are banning all marriages - that'll show 'em!

Yes, in order to keep marriage sacrosanct, they've decided to eliminate it.

thank god.

for a minute I was nervous they were going to improve divorce rates or some such.

hard to beat the logic of the clerk for Kern county, Ann Barnett (probably not a carpet muncher herself is my guess, but it's hard to tell from the pictures) - the estimated 2 to 10 same sex couples that might seek to wed in a civil ceremony would simply be too much of a burden, so the county sent out notices to the 28 opposite sex couples already signed up to wed and told them to go pound ass flesh in some other county or the church of their choice.

Here's one for the little people

Every once in a while the Bou' gets all excited for the little people (not minikiss, but I like them too) - your average Jane or John Doe; the proud Californian who says "it's time for me to make a point!"

Today, that person is Diane Craig, 64, of none other than the weathiest zip code in the greater San Francisco bay area - Danville!

Diane decided it was time to do something about high gas prices so she bought a bunch eco friendly (I am assuming here) pressed fire logs and set them on fire in a bunch of gas station bathrooms.

She did the same to a Starbucks for good measure too.

I know what you're probably thinking is the upper peninsula right now: "good, let 'em burn - who cares!?"

Well not so fast my friends. This insanity can spread like wildfire. If you're not careful to cut off the arm that offends thee or some other kind of mixed metaphor you can end up with cancer on your brain or something.

So do your part, and tell all your friends to kick California out of the Union before you get the urge to go buy some javalogs and start torchin' the neighborhood quickie mart.

Henry T. Nicholas III

This week in California CEOs features Henry T. Nicholas III, former CEO of Broadcom (market capitalization $15 Billion).

Backdate stock option grant dates? check.

Overstate earnings almost entirely related to those options for more then $2 Billion? check.

Party a little bit too hard? check.

Party way too hard? check.

Maintain a warehouse of cocain, ecstasy, and meth? check.

Spike the drinks of customers and fellow executives with ecstasy? check.

Really? yes.

Have massive orgies with strippers in a personal sex dungeon? duh.

Check self into rehab for boozin' it up? check.

Networth around $2.5 Billion? check.

Ladies and Gentlemen I present to you Hank Nicholas:

bowl or die? how about both!

where else in the world can you get killed for bowling not just one time but two weeks in a row? NOWHERE BUT CALIFORNIA MY FRIENDS.

Nowhere.

But.

California.

So I ask you, what does California have against the bowling industry?

Illinois, Michigan, and Virginia - I am calling you guys out right now. You guys make bowling equipment right? step up to the plate and stop California from ruining the sport for the rest of America. Kick 'em out!!!

flash from the past - tinky winky supported by berkeley

I could probably dedicate 3/4 of this entire blog to berkeley. I probably have without thinking about it.

But the bou' is bustin' out the way back machine to take you way back to a high (err, low) point in the nuclear free city's fine history:

City council passing a resolution honoring the Teletubbie Tinky Winky.

"Long live Tinky Winky and long live freedom from self-righteousness!"

i have some really bad news

The 'bou is really sorry to harsh all y'all's mellows like this but it has to be done.

ED MACMAHON IS LOSING HIS $6.2 MILLION HOME!

I know - terrible isn't it?

(insert meanspirited joke about which publisher is going to clear this house here)

At least he's got a lifetime supply of Alpo to make it a bit easier to handle.

(insert meanspirited joke about alp- oh! wait, just did that)

Now, Mr. Carson, I have to ask your ghostly spirit: WTF man? Can't you hook a sidekick up?