kick out california!!!

where the grapes are clustered like breasts...

2008-08-28T14:56:00.000-07:00

...the streets are filled with vodka.

ahhhh California.

due process for the nekkid

2008-08-27T23:15:00.000-07:00

sure, people who have a strong desire to hand pieces of paper out to members of the public while wearing only a mustache are generally regarded as total freaks, but let's not forget that they have due process rights too. okay?

I mean, you can't go and change a rule about enforcing the law without a fair shot at being naked at a city council meeting can you?

no; no you can't - this is california.

so big of us

2008-08-12T17:24:00.000-07:00

la quinta, where homes start around half a mil and go way, way up.

nice place to get hitched. twice.

so take THAT, Utah!

state sponsored meth labs!

2008-08-11T13:15:00.000-07:00

let's do a bunch of meth and grade us some exams!

i want everything - nothing less

2008-08-11T12:58:00.000-07:00

yeesh

2008-08-11T09:21:00.000-07:00

Yesterday a group of us piled into an english performance sport utility vehicle, drove to the extreme trailhead with the best parking and went for a scramble. Afterwards we barbequed organic pizzas from local produce on a large deck and debated which wine to pair with the local catch fish while talking about custom bicycles and best bicycle commuting routes.

Throw in a little conversation about interesting intellectual property cases and the problems with finding good partners for private planes and you've pretty much got what I'd call a quintessential Californian weekend.

marin's illiterate

2008-08-08T11:15:00.000-07:00

I was in Marin county the day before yesterday (returning organic milk which was spoiled when I opened it the morning after I purchased it) when a gentleman asked the cashier in front of me to fill out his "saver" card application.

She was somewhat incredulous, then realized the reason, which he mentioned under his breath: he could not read or write well enough to do so on his own.

WHAT? in MARIN COUNTY of all places.

Can the Bou' get a WTF?

yes, yes he can.

WTF?

killing for jesus

2008-08-06T13:50:00.000-07:00

Yes, California, and only California, can produce an epic battle of wills, good vs. evil, where hell's angels and a christian biker gang can get us into a knife fight and those on the side of jesus can wind up being charged with attempted murder.

But seriously, which god fearing harley davidson riding jesus-o-phile would not stab the minions of satan himself?

first nancy reagan, now gavin newsome

2008-07-30T14:10:00.000-07:00

yeesh. gavin newsome, he of ass sex blessing fame, got hitched by a psychic.

why wasn't this news when he got married?

why did i have to wait until an article about her predictions of his future in politics and reproductive practices to find out?

is it because calfiornia is retarded?

yes. yes it is.

it take a minute(man) to be retarded enough for an entire lifetime

2008-07-30T14:04:00.000-07:00

yes, the minutemen, not the totally awesome band from san pedro, but the "border vigilantes" from san diego, have come up to san francisco to protest a policy that was recinded well before they ever showed up.

while you're at it, let's go to germany and protest WWII. good idea.

wait for it....wait for it

2008-07-28T09:31:00.000-07:00

there it is!

in the last paragraph.

"I used to leave notes on Hummers, how inconsiderate it was for the rest of us"

Ahhh San Francisco.

To be fair - I actually saw a Hummer yesterday in Marin county. really - I swear.

pedestrian killed by public transit in LA - thought train was a flashback

2008-07-23T08:49:00.000-07:00

It must have been a wicked flashback or something. I thought I just saw a train in LA.

proudly expressing shame publicly

2008-07-18T10:43:00.000-07:00

San Francisco citizens will be voting this fall on if they should name a wastewater treatment plant after a sitting president. Apparently not everyone is amused.

pet masseuse???!!!

2008-07-16T11:50:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, I present Patti Moran, certified animal massage therapist.

Oh Jesus please someone kick California out of the United States already.

Some choice quotes:

"...I was helping to care for abused and neglected donkeys"

"I charge $40 an hour, but I also work for shorter periods depending on the animal's needs and attention span"

"I use a combination of Swedish massage, T-Touch, acupressure, myofascial release, and trigger point. I also offer information about proper nutrition and the use of herbs."

"Eventually animals go into this state where they are totally relaxed and they take me with them."

Oh Christ, just read the whole damned thing.

The comments are excellent: "I teach Acupressure for Animals in Berkeley at the Acupressure Institute"

bolinas - where counter culter meets ass whooping mahem

2008-07-02T17:35:00.000-07:00

there are few things more awesome than a bunch of hippies getting together and beating the shit out of a homeless person.

then again, there are few things more californian than bolinas, which is famously located only 2 miles from somewhere.

pro-oil extraction environmentalists

2008-07-02T15:42:00.000-07:00

look, as a Californian I love the beach too, don't get me wrong, but am I so in love with the beach that I insist we drill all of the oil out of the ocean to prevent any from naturally spilling?

no. I am not. that would be retarded.

or, the formal position of SLO-based (emphasis on the SLOW part of SLO) SOS-California

who were apparently pissed that they drove all the way to another county to tell that county's residents that if they didn't set up a bunch of unsightly oil dereks in front of their ocean views some oil might escape and float up to the next county north.

Phenomenal Ass, Phenomenally Asinine

2008-07-02T12:56:00.000-07:00

(I will start off this post by pointing out the title is exceptionally titular [I am such a jerk] when considered in the context of the cheif law enforcement officer of a county)

Being sheriff of one of California's most conservative counties has it's benefits. Among them: phenomenal ass.

oh and never "having" to shake anyone down.

(does it make him seem totally lame that riding in personal planes is on the list? yes, although the Bou' woulda given him some slack for saying that he got phenomenal ass in personal planes.)

to say nothing of having your personal confidant wired recording everything you say to give to the feds.

it's good to be the king, it sucks to be the king. even if only the king of orange county.

"You're right, I've had a life that's been absolutely blessed," he says. "I've met millionaires, billionaires, I've traveled on personal airplanes, and I never shook anybody down for any [expletive], so. . . . Not that I haven't, you know, drank some great wine, and had great booze and . . . got some, you know, phenomenal [sex] along the way."

public breast exams

2008-06-29T09:46:00.000-07:00

the entire city of san francisco turned into a women only hooters this weekend and featured a massive unclothing and groping session in the name of breast awareness.

anything I could say about it would be repeating exactly what was contained in this news report.

zen retreat centers

2008-06-28T09:44:00.000-07:00

you may have heard of these things before. the rest of the world calls them CULTS.

California is filled with them. They're always near the ocean, they've got farms, some of them can actually be seen FROM SPACE.

yes, California has a problem with zen retreat centers.

zen is codeword for communist.

retreat center is code word for either rich people being lazy or terrorist training camp.

I will highlight just a few:

Odiyan

"work as practice"?

this place is run by slaves. it's HUGE. there are either a lot of slaves or a medium amount of very productive ones.

you can see it from space.

Green Gulch Zen Farm

for lazy hippies who don't want to have to drive to far from their san francisco bay area homes to join a cult.

Green Gulch sounds like a social disease. It may actually be one.

Tassajara Zen Mountain Center.

"America's oldest monastery dedicated to buddhism"

if you think that's bad just check out the recent quotes from the LATimes talking about the big sur fires:

"At Tassajara, a crew of monastic protectors showed the same fortitude as suburban homeowners hosing down their homes in the orange glow of approaching flames.

"We don't intend to let the oldest Buddhist monastery in the Western Hemisphere burn," declared Greg Fain, who rushed down from the Bay Area, where he serves as treasurer of the San Francisco Zen Center.

"This place is my heart," said Fain, eyes narrowing behind black horn-rim glasses, his shaved head covered by a yellow baseball cap. "Every time I come over the ridge, my heart starts to soar.""

1) suburbs and zen center are equated.

2) soaring hearts?

3) I take it as a given that san francisco has a zen center, but that it has a treasurer? sheesh.

lovable, but bastards none the less - shame weddings to boot

2008-06-28T09:34:00.000-07:00

This past weekend the Bou' did some wedding.

Hang on ladies, and don't worry, the Bou' himself did not get hitched: he was doin' the hitchin'.

I won't get too much into the details (naming names and such) because, well, I was paid not to, but let me just tell you:

There were bastards involved.

This is how California seems to work these days:

We've been living together IN SIN for years, we have a little bastard of our own already, are probably collecting all sorts of government handouts for it too, but we want to have a party - let's pretend to get married!

I'm pretty sure that in all of the hullabaloo surrounding the rampant gay marriages goin' on right now no one bothered to notice that THIS WAS A SHAM WEDDING.

I have two words for you all:

SMOKE

and

MIRRORS

But the food was really good, and the wine was all local. Pretty much totally amazing actually.

What kind of a state lets this sort of thing happen?

NOT THE KIND THAT SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO STAY IN THE UNION THAT'S FOR SURE!!!!

kick 'em out!

SAVE YOURSELF!!!!

2008-06-28T09:20:00.000-07:00

CALIFORNIA IS BURNINATING!!!

THERE IS STILL TIME TO KICK IT OUT OF THE UNION IN HOPES THAT THE WHOLE STATE WILL SOMEHOW BE MORE INCLINED TO FALL INTO THE OCEAN SPARING THE REMAINING UNITED STATES!!!!!!

Robert Why?Land

2008-06-18T14:09:00.000-07:00

WTF!?

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you Robert Wyland, or just "Wyland" as he prefers to be called. Hopefully right before someone who knew him in high school beats his ass.

a quote:

"I would just say it would be like Picasso lending one of his pieces for a license plate and them saying we're not donating to the Picasso Foundation," said Wyland, an official artist for the United States Olympic Team for the 2008 Games. "They're saying, 'We can get anyone to paint a Picasso.' Well you could, but it wouldn't be a Picasso."

Bobby, you paint dolphins.

developmentally disabled orange county authorities jealous of teenager

2008-06-17T23:43:00.000-07:00

It's hard to not be embarrassed of Orange County.

There are TV shows that prove it sucks, there are reality TV shows that prove it sucks even more. There are sheriffs that are criminals. Oh yeah, there are all those people from Orange County too. (the latter two being the hardest to blame on the county to the west northwest).

this one though, really tops it all for me. the OC, which in case you were wondering is probably the name of a TV show but could just be shorthand for too many chromosomes, is prosecuting a HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT for changing his grades.

Seeking THIRTY FIVE years. I'm going to write that out in numbers in case there's anyone from the OC reading: 28 years.

you guys are pathetic.

In rare exception to the formal kickoutcalifornia.com position I'm going to have to suggest that the OC should not be kicked into the same whatever the rest of California is kicked into. PLEASE.

file under: i'd like to return my treo thank you

2008-06-17T07:48:00.000-07:00

santa rosa has seen some hard times lately, a housing boom that ruined it's small town feel, a housing bust that ruined the housing boom, a lot of idiots on crystal meth, and a real problem with cell phone operators that someone finally did something about.

yes, you read that line right: ax-wielding bandit. but not just any ax-wielding bandit, a TATTOOED ax-wielding bandit.

and he was wearing fabric on his face. so FACE!

what do californians do when people are rude to waitresses?

2008-06-17T07:41:00.000-07:00

STAB THEM!!!

I should clarify that by californians we mean undocumented hondurans, but you get the point.

the moral of the story: if you don't like being called "hon" don't come to california.