are you sure?

It's not every day that the New York Times gets something totally wrong, but the Bou' is pretty sure that this little bit of Darwinian magic occurred in California, not Arizona.

Ten bucks says even if California hasn't annexed the retreat center, most of the people attending were Californians.

i tattooed my heart in san francisco

please, someone, kill these people before they hurt themselves.

setting rosebud on fire as a means for self immolation

WR Hearst most certainly would not go gentle into that dark night if he knew that his former publication wants everyone (at least everyone on the internets in california) to toke up in golden gate park and you know, like, chill a bit. "no need for that apple, dude"

yes, apparently DRUM CIRCLES are good for something other than irritating everyone else. Maybe the Bou' should point out that that would actually be IN ADDITION to irritating everyone else.

extra points to whoever came up with the most retarded line in print on Wednesday September 2, 2009:

"no need for that apple"

The Bou' gives you props for staggering levels of unimagination and thanks you extra especially for the free toilet paper.

so there is some blame to go around

but it is worth noting that the stupid idea STARTED in california and spread elsewhere.

in celebration of the highest unemployment rate in a generation:
a pet only airlines.

The Bou' does want to point out that people will be going to hell for this, so it's not as bad as it looks.

the cougar distracts the wolf pups from her cub

the working title of this post was "do you boys want a pop or a shasta?"

If only Mutual of Omaha had been Mutual of California we'd have a spectacular episode from this one.

Yes, not only is having sex with multiple teenage boys a sure fire way to distract them from your daughter, it takes a police department 42 pages to describe the scenario.

Thank you California.


Addendum - in all fairness to the mom, having a teenage daughter when you are only 30 means, well, you do the math.

I apologize for being tardy

to the whole "miss california usa" thing, but want to point out that I am not the only one with tard in the title on this one.

The Bou' has learned on good authority that Miss USA is apparently the "ghetto beauty pageant" so it should only seem natural that this spectacular story seems perfectly tailored for some quality "opinion journalism" from all sides.

so take THAT wine country

in keeping with a theme here...

is it really news that two random people have decided to cancel a vacation for any reason?

I mean, sure, the Bou' couldn't tell if there was some special interest story here like the guy on the right had cancer or something, but really folks, if your goal is reporting on a movement, well, do some reporting; if your goal is to start a movement - oh wait this IS a Hearst paper after all.

no comment on the over/under

When the Bou' saw the headline "Man Accused of Selling Daughter for Cash, Beer" he knew California was involved. The question was: Northern or Southern California? It's pretty obvious that there are a great many possible areas in California where this could happen from the deep woods of northern Siskayou county to the meth trailers of southern Kern county.

Well, it turns out that Greenfield is pretty much exactly on the line dividing northern and southern California.

apparently halfway home does not mean you are half of the way home

California as a special kind of work training program for convicted felons. It's called letting them out of jail so they can commit crimes under government supervision and it's taking the state by storm!!!

Yes, while in a halfway house for transitioning from jail (for bank robbing) Elisa Monique Lipkins went off and rolled a bank she had hit in the past. Good job Elisa and GREAT JOB California!

this industry ain't big enough for the boths of us

Los Angeles and Ventura counties, despite holding an industry the size of Hollywood to say nothing of 15+million people, apparently isn't big enough for two pornography companies that share the name Flynt.

Larry Flynt - of hustler industries fame -, after firing his nephews, is suing them for using the family name to make porno. I say porno instead of porn or pornography because, well, it's the Flynt family after all and they've got titles such as "Positive Exposure" and "Sex at Your Service" (I guess "sex at your cervix" was taken already).

Honestly the Bou' doesn't really no what to say about this one except pass the purell.

california as a cultural sewer

A lot of people have emailed the Bou' in the last few minutes and asked:

HOW CAN I POSSIBLY GET MORE INFORMATION ON DJ DONOVAN?

well, look no further.

After you've enjoyed some "Sexy, Seductive Beats for the Bedroom, Vol. 3" you might enjoy a little light reading such as:


For the very first time in DJ Donovan's professional career, he will create a nostalgic collection of his biggest dancefloor anthems that best rocked his dancefloors at all of his most famous parties in 2008. So for all of you who love those certain "Donovan signature songs" that moved you on the floor and had you singing, this is your chance to obtain your Donovan favorites on one private "exclusive" CD collection not available for sale or in store. All of the songs from "THE VERY BEST OF DJ DONOVAN 2008" were performed live by DJ Donovan during his set on New Year's Eve at City Hall. So for those who rang in the New Year's in Donovan's MAIN ROTUNDA ROOM can now take home the actual emotion and nostalgia of your San Francisco City Hall New Year's Eve 2008 experience with "THE VERY BEST OF DJ DONOVAN 2008" CD. Only New Year's Eve at City Hall Ticketholders who purchase 2 or more pictures from Donovan's New Year's Eve @ City Hall photo gallery (coming soon) will receive a COMPLIMENTARY CD copy of "THE VERY BEST OF DJ DONOVAN 2008" mailed directly to their home!

FREE PRIVATE EVENT
NO RSVP NECESSARY

The Bou' hasn't seen such awesomely lame hucksterism since the okies blew in from the dust bowl.

a california sandra day o'connor and ruth bader ginzberg walk into a bar...

as if publishing porn isn't bad enough, it turns out that a "conservative" (that's California conservative in case you were praying for clarification) judge is emailing titty jokes to an apparently not so select list.

The Bou' wonders why he got left off the list.

due process for the nekkid

sure, people who have a strong desire to hand pieces of paper out to members of the public while wearing only a mustache are generally regarded as total freaks, but let's not forget that they have due process rights too. okay?

I mean, you can't go and change a rule about enforcing the law without a fair shot at being naked at a city council meeting can you?


no; no you can't - this is california.

so big of us

la quinta, where homes start around half a mil and go way, way up.

nice place to get hitched. twice.

so take THAT, Utah!

it take a minute(man) to be retarded enough for an entire lifetime

yes, the minutemen, not the totally awesome band from san pedro, but the "border vigilantes" from san diego, have come up to san francisco to protest a policy that was recinded well before they ever showed up.

while you're at it, let's go to germany and protest WWII. good idea.

pro-oil extraction environmentalists

look, as a Californian I love the beach too, don't get me wrong, but am I so in love with the beach that I insist we drill all of the oil out of the ocean to prevent any from naturally spilling?

no. I am not. that would be retarded.

or, the formal position of SLO-based (emphasis on the SLOW part of SLO) SOS-California

who were apparently pissed that they drove all the way to another county to tell that county's residents that if they didn't set up a bunch of unsightly oil dereks in front of their ocean views some oil might escape and float up to the next county north.

Phenomenal Ass, Phenomenally Asinine

(I will start off this post by pointing out the title is exceptionally titular [I am such a jerk] when considered in the context of the cheif law enforcement officer of a county)

Being sheriff of one of California's most conservative counties has it's benefits. Among them: phenomenal ass.

oh and never "having" to shake anyone down.

(does it make him seem totally lame that riding in personal planes is on the list? yes, although the Bou' woulda given him some slack for saying that he got phenomenal ass in personal planes.)

to say nothing of having your personal confidant wired recording everything you say to give to the feds.

it's good to be the king, it sucks to be the king. even if only the king of orange county.

"You're right, I've had a life that's been absolutely blessed," he says. "I've met millionaires, billionaires, I've traveled on personal airplanes, and I never shook anybody down for any [expletive], so. . . . Not that I haven't, you know, drank some great wine, and had great booze and . . . got some, you know, phenomenal [sex] along the way."

public breast exams

the entire city of san francisco turned into a women only hooters this weekend and featured a massive unclothing and groping session in the name of breast awareness.

anything I could say about it would be repeating exactly what was contained in this news report.

Robert Why?Land

WTF!?

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you Robert Wyland, or just "Wyland" as he prefers to be called. Hopefully right before someone who knew him in high school beats his ass.

a quote:

"I would just say it would be like Picasso lending one of his pieces for a license plate and them saying we're not donating to the Picasso Foundation," said Wyland, an official artist for the United States Olympic Team for the 2008 Games. "They're saying, 'We can get anyone to paint a Picasso.' Well you could, but it wouldn't be a Picasso."

Bobby, you paint dolphins.

developmentally disabled orange county authorities jealous of teenager

It's hard to not be embarrassed of Orange County.

There are TV shows that prove it sucks, there are reality TV shows that prove it sucks even more. There are sheriffs that are criminals. Oh yeah, there are all those people from Orange County too. (the latter two being the hardest to blame on the county to the west northwest).

this one though, really tops it all for me. the OC, which in case you were wondering is probably the name of a TV show but could just be shorthand for too many chromosomes, is prosecuting a HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT for changing his grades.

Seeking THIRTY FIVE years. I'm going to write that out in numbers in case there's anyone from the OC reading: 28 years.

you guys are pathetic.

In rare exception to the formal kickoutcalifornia.com position I'm going to have to suggest that the OC should not be kicked into the same whatever the rest of California is kicked into. PLEASE.

ass sex advocates ruining the sacrosanctity of nuptials

yep, the news over here in California keeps getting better and better.

today, my favorite bit of news is that two counties in California have decided that in order to prevent gay marriages from being performed they are banning all marriages - that'll show 'em!

Yes, in order to keep marriage sacrosanct, they've decided to eliminate it.

thank god.

for a minute I was nervous they were going to improve divorce rates or some such.

hard to beat the logic of the clerk for Kern county, Ann Barnett (probably not a carpet muncher herself is my guess, but it's hard to tell from the pictures) - the estimated 2 to 10 same sex couples that might seek to wed in a civil ceremony would simply be too much of a burden, so the county sent out notices to the 28 opposite sex couples already signed up to wed and told them to go pound ass flesh in some other county or the church of their choice.

Here's one for the little people

Every once in a while the Bou' gets all excited for the little people (not minikiss, but I like them too) - your average Jane or John Doe; the proud Californian who says "it's time for me to make a point!"

Today, that person is Diane Craig, 64, of none other than the weathiest zip code in the greater San Francisco bay area - Danville!

Diane decided it was time to do something about high gas prices so she bought a bunch eco friendly (I am assuming here) pressed fire logs and set them on fire in a bunch of gas station bathrooms.

She did the same to a Starbucks for good measure too.

I know what you're probably thinking is the upper peninsula right now: "good, let 'em burn - who cares!?"

Well not so fast my friends. This insanity can spread like wildfire. If you're not careful to cut off the arm that offends thee or some other kind of mixed metaphor you can end up with cancer on your brain or something.

So do your part, and tell all your friends to kick California out of the Union before you get the urge to go buy some javalogs and start torchin' the neighborhood quickie mart.

gavin newsom

"So California goes, so goes the nation."

yep - he said that.

Look folks, I can't think of a bigger warning sign - this guy is waving a big flag, actually I think he's poking the flag pole directly into your eye.

And so Gavin Newsom is added to my list of Californians that make people want to kick California out of the union.

I will improvise a little check list for you:


smug? check

meanspirited vindictiveness? check

hair? check

hair stuff? check

terrifying photo that looks like it could either be from a movie about a politician's rise and fall or from a bad dream roger waters had? check

cheats on staffers with staffers' wives who are also staffers? check

looks good doing it? check (this is I suppose a matter of personal preference, technically he's not my type, but I hear this from women all the time: "he is sooooo handsome". yuck.)

sex toys in the shape of religious icons

is there room in hell for all of california?

yes. yes there is.

and yes, www.divine-interventions.com is most definitely an 18 and up site thank you very much.

Larry Ellison

It's not the $300,000,000.00 home. It's not the tax deduction he got because his $300,000,000.00 home is "outdated" and therefore not worth as much as it appears because he'll have to spend EVEN MORE MONEY modernizing it to keep up with, ummm who exactly? It's not his boats, errr... ships. It's not that he looks pretty much exactly like an evil superhero.



It's not his smug prognostications or his willingness to buy all his competitors and fund new ones to undercut the ones that aren't for sale. It's not the god awful ugly campus he put right on the water. It's not that he loved the combination of wealth power and danger associated with regattas until he realized they were expensive and dangerous and promptly bailed. It's not that he owns multiple versions of the same car, or that he owns multiple cars that cost more than $250,000.00. It's not that he owns military jets for personal use. It's not that he repeatedly violated nighttime flight restrictions at his local airport with his personal jets. It's not even that he got a federal judge to order the city which controls that airport to grant him a personal waiver from their nighttime flying restrictions because he wasn't ever going to stop no matter what the losers in charge of that puny little city of did. It's not that he bought 12 houses in Malibu so he could build a home down there too. It's not that he married an Oberlin graduate. It's not even that he was allowed to donate $100,000,000.00 to himself as punishment for illegally dumping $1,000,000,000.00 of Oracle stock rather than pleading guilty to in an insider trading deal. It's not any one of those things.

It's all of those things together.

Now, clearly there is a risk for Californians that if we were to get kicked out of the United States that Mr. Ellison would become king. This is a risk we will have to take. This is a risk the rest of the world should be foisting upon us. Do your part: donate - especially you Larry - this is your big chance.

politically correctness

WE SO OWN THIS!!!

Bring it on, all you PC haters.

California is responsible for the term, the concept, the emotional underpinnings which created and support it.

I dedicate this post to all the straw people of the world - UNITE!!!

On the subject of straw people, I am throwing my support behind a migration to the term "hay dude" as a replacement for the term straw people as a replacement for the term straw man, which was ruined by the movie wicker man, which was really ruined by the remake under the same name.

Lest I forget, I have not been able to calculate the number of person hours this will cost, nor am I sure how differently abled people will be empowered by the decision, but I do promise to critically examine issues of agency built into my assumptions.

fun filled experiments in creating peace

Come on. "fun filled experiments in creating peace street faire"? I am not making this crap up. Worse still, apparently this is the 9th year.

"hosting magic and other performances"

If there's gonna be magic, I sure hope the stallion is going to be there. Either him or David Copperfield.

very rich does not equal very important

So, when did being able to afford expensive tickets suddenly make someone a VIP?

I am trying to figure this out:

Former secretary general of the UN - important. yes. obviously. membership has its privileges.

50 year old housewife from the palisades who wants to see what Coachella is all about - important? no; rich. membership still has its privileges, but come on, not the same club! (hint - theirs is the Jonathan club)

So you decided to get the AMG package on your Mercedes because you might need to merge on to the 405 at 20 miles an hour, (maybe you should just get a performance brakes package instead, you live in LA after all) but why does that mean you get to hang out with former heads of state?

Also, note to Coachella management: VIP areas should have crudités. Take a note: selling VIP tickets is not the same as having VIPs. VIPs need crudités. You want a VIP area, invest in some crudités.

American Apparel

Where else but in los angeles can a CEO exploit poor mexicans, have sex with and take explicit photographs of his young employees and brand and package all of that as desirable?

NOWHERE!!!

The name should not be lost on anyone. In fact, if all goes according to plan, you may be able to force them to change their name to American Apparel of California if not to Californian Apparel.

fashionistas that are basically naked

It's entirely possible that Boutros' problem is that he is at the Coachella music festival (undoubtedly the subject of a future post), but I've got to point out that wearing as close to nothing as possible but calling it fashion is approximately totally bogus.

You are trying to be naked in public, not fashionable.

In addition to faux vintage tshirts that you can see through being worn with no undergarments, the Bou has noticed actual breasts hanging out of clothes with people completely oblivious to them (well, the rightful owners were oblivious, everyone else seemed to notice).

Yes, it's hot in the dessert. No, being naked is probably not the best solution to the heat.

I will again point to our donation page. For far less than the $400 that fashionistas spend to be naked you can sleep well knowing we're doing our part to relegate these ladies to the same status of San Tropez - as in OUT OF THE UNITED STATES!!!

makeup on men

No, rock and roll is not an excuse. you are wearing makeup.

I'm talking to you, Steven Tyler.

Gross.

carrotmobs

so, here's the basic idea: you're rich, 'kay? and you, like, want people to respect what're, like, your opinions right? so what do you do? well, how about you promise to spend your money at their store if they do what you want? you get to feel good about yourself; you're saving the environment while getting stuff you want. But better than that - you get to tell some lowly small business owner that they ought to be doing what you want them to do with all that money you're giving them.

All of the benefits of slavery with none of the guilt - a real win/win scenario. You win because you get to spend your money on crap you want and you win because you get to force people to agree with you because you're rich!

AWESOME!!!

Now if only one of the fourteen Medical Cannabis Dispensaries in your hood will sign up you can really stick it to the man.

more on yoga

I had a realization the other day:

yoga is like drinking alcohol for damned hippies.

so I ask California: what in the hell is so wrong with alcohol? it's bad enough that you banned smoking in rock clubs, what next alcohol in bars?

blogging about yoga

I promise you - promise - that I will be posting more about people who blog about everything.

but this (as reported by an allied reader) takes the locally produced artisan dark chocolate made from machines imported from spain flourless cake (I quote in its entirety):

this is an ACTUAL conversation that I overheard in a yoga studio
locker room today:


chick #1: oh my god, it was so hot in there today
chick #2: I know. I totally sweated through my shirt and my sports bra too.
chick #1: wow. you totally did.
chick #2: yeah. that's a lot.
chick #1: you should blog about it.
chick #2: totally. I totally will.

startups

....I am going to count to three and when I reach the number three you will wake up and you will always think the following:

Whenever anyone says they work for a startup you will understand them to say that they have herpes. They are pretty much the same thing, you can treat them, but it's expensive to do so and they never really go away, they always break out all over the place in embarrassing ways when things seem to be going a little too well, and they seem compelled to be noticed by everyone, even if you're trying not to notice them.

In case you were wondering, California caused the herpes.

1...2...3

That will be $5. Have a good day.

i met a guy from mendocino county...

yup, pretty much anything I write after this is going to be a good reason to kick california out of the union, but this one is pretty much tops:

i met a guy from mendocino county who said he only sold weed to pay his taxes.

ummm....


...yeah, okay, whatever.

vegetarians that eat fish or chicken

look. vegetarian does not equal fish or chicken. most fish aren't even vegetarian themselves and chickens are about the most opportunistic animals out there. they will eat human babies if given the chance. fake vegetarian californian babies.

i mean it.

point is, don't call yourself a vegetarian if you eat meat of any kind or you will end up getting your state kicked out of the union. straight up.

boobs not bombs

yep. mendo county. must be all the weed and shrooms they grow up there. the county's biggest cash crop is weed. their biggest export, boobs. of all kinds of course.




so there you go. sorry for ruining your meal if you were eating.