prison junkies

what makes this story interesting?

junkie moms is boring newz. but CALIFORNIAN junkie moms is where it's at yo!

tattoos of california

i will admit that it's not as bad as getting a tattoo of your area code, but getting a tattoo that says "cali", especially getting a tattoo that says "cali" across your belly in faux western font, it's retarded.

many people will wonder why, but I promise that scientifically, it's been proven that a tattoo of any state other than california is WAY less retarded.

I point this out but I will also point out that t-shirts that are of other states are hit or miss. Regardless, they are more likely to be worn ironically in california in a way that is insulting and belittling to pretty much every other state in the union.

Please do not blame me for faux seventies california sunset t-shirts. it's not my fault.

muscle beach

weightlifting. in public. yep.

what makes muscle beach so perfectly californian is that to be governors, to be movie stars, and to be executed murderous gang members all hang out together, and then in a truly californian fit of californianess, don't hang out together when the chips are down.

van halen

I know I know I know. you're thinkin' Boutros, will we lose van halen if we get california kicked out of the union? I've wondered too.

In fact I've thought long and hard about it. here's what I've come up with:

1) Despite an awful lot of rocking, van halen sucks. No matter what anyone says, they haven't had a great album since 1979 and even that is a stretch by about a year. what really sucks about van halen is that they're like a soap opera instead of like a proper rock band where someone dies and it's over. kinda like cheap trick, except that I'm pretty sure cheap trick has always rocked, hasn't really kicked anyone out and back into the band multiple times, and no one has died (and they're from illinois, which is staying put).

2) Even despite 1) above, it's pretty clear that losing van halen is a real risk for kicking california out of the union - but then it dawned on me:

there are lots of great hard rockin' bands from outside of the united states.

iron maiden comes to mind. so do the scorpions. plus i'm pretty sure that sammy hagar lives in mexico most of the time already anyway.

so it's not all bad. that's all I'm saying. and on the plus side, well, eddie van halen could be denied a visa for the US during his coke binges.

boobs not bombs

yep. mendo county. must be all the weed and shrooms they grow up there. the county's biggest cash crop is weed. their biggest export, boobs. of all kinds of course.




so there you go. sorry for ruining your meal if you were eating.

smug irony

Probably the easiest thing to point to that is wrong with California is the overwhelming sense of smugness that is accompanied by irony. I think a lot of those jerks would call it "wry wit".

Lets face it, do you really have to guess which state the Prius with the vanity plate that says "u (heart) my mpg" is from?

some people actually need proof

well, we are here for you!

we at the ever industrious kickoutcalifornia.com enterprise, with the help of myself, mr. boutros boutros ghali, know that not everyone thinks kicking california out of the united states is an obviously great idea. we are here to help you prove them wrong, or if you yourself are a bit thickheaded and need convincing, convince you too.

given the awesome power of factoids and truthiness, we're quite sure this won't take long.

nonetheless, we persist in the hopes that all humanity and whoever runs the government will eventually realize how important this momentous decision is.

come, join us. kick out california.