when your official city policy is to disriminate against poor people

you gotta be in the bastion of liberalism - the east bay of california.

h00ray Oakland!

I hear slaves help

A lot of people are poseurs, especially a lot of people in California. But one of the hardest things to front on is having coin.

So like, when you're claimin' to have a nice crib in the land of plenty, one of the easiest ways to fake it is to get slaves.

that's what I hear at any rate.

spoiled rich kids

San Francisco AGAIN.

What is with this city? apparently these people.

Seriously, the Bou' is tempted to find out where ALL of these peoples' houses are and take a big crap in their front yard.

The Bou' knows that pretty much all cities are run by rich people, but only San Francisco is run by rich kids that act like spoiled whiners.

so there is some blame to go around

but it is worth noting that the stupid idea STARTED in california and spread elsewhere.

in celebration of the highest unemployment rate in a generation:
a pet only airlines.

The Bou' does want to point out that people will be going to hell for this, so it's not as bad as it looks.

there be sharks

tiburon, home to the bay area's second or third highest property values (in the mood for a nice $35 million crib? how about a 20K a month rental?) is considering going ahead with full on spying on every car that enters the city.

note to potential criminals: steal car first.

oh wait - you knew this already?

you think it's retarded too?

well, then what exactly are they thinking?

the Bou' doesn't know either.

it's pronounced "poop HOY-ah"

or at least that's what the feds are calling it.


in the ongoing saga that is pooping seals vs. rich kids, the seals continue pooping. praise jonas salk.

why leave all the poopy water to the southerners?

sausalito, land of rich white people and gagillion dollar seaside h.... hey waitaminnit! didn't I just write about this?

no, it turns out that I didn't - Marin county's own Sausalito was apparently so appalled at those tan, smug bastards in southern california that they decided to poop in their own pool to show 'em who's who.

SO TAKE THAT LA JOYA!!!

all y'all bitches need to get up off of my lawn

there is so much california in this story about people being prohibited from exercising on grass I am not sure exactly where to puke on it.

The economy for assholes is going strong in California

Overheard on Lombard Street in San Francisco:

GUY IN BRAND NEW BLACK LAMBORGHINI: (into cell phone) Dude! I just got my new Lamborghini!

GUY ON SPEAKERPHONE: Dude! What color?

GUY IN BRAND NEW BLACK LAMBORGHINI: Black!

(peels out at light)

GUY IN BRAND NEW BLACK LAMBORGHINI: (stopped at next light 1 block away) 560 horsepower!!!

GUY ON SPEAKERPHONE: That's more care than you deserve dude!

GUY IN BRAND NEW BLACK LAMBORGHINI: I KNOW!

(peels out at light)

shot put? check. incendiaries? check. donuts?

In the future, everyone in California will be so tweaked on steroids that stuff like this won't make the news.

A lot of people may be wondering, what's up with Saratoga? well, I've been there before - it does not seem like the kind of place where they even had assitant coaches frankly. you know the suburb, perfect weather, perfect lawns and perfect houses on perfect lots. Apparently totally awesome steroid distribution networks too.

I'm still trying to figure out what was going on through this guy's mind - like, was he bitchin' about it to his personal trainer and just snapped or was it more like the soon to be ex wife found just the right thing to get under his skin before leaving: "you can't even keep a job as an assistant coach you loser - I'm LEAVING and I'm taking the pool boy!"

so big of us

la quinta, where homes start around half a mil and go way, way up.

nice place to get hitched. twice.

so take THAT, Utah!

i want everything - nothing less

yeesh

Yesterday a group of us piled into an english performance sport utility vehicle, drove to the extreme trailhead with the best parking and went for a scramble. Afterwards we barbequed organic pizzas from local produce on a large deck and debated which wine to pair with the local catch fish while talking about custom bicycles and best bicycle commuting routes.

Throw in a little conversation about interesting intellectual property cases and the problems with finding good partners for private planes and you've pretty much got what I'd call a quintessential Californian weekend.

pet masseuse???!!!

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, I present Patti Moran, certified animal massage therapist.

Oh Jesus please someone kick California out of the United States already.

Some choice quotes:

"...I was helping to care for abused and neglected donkeys"

"I charge $40 an hour, but I also work for shorter periods depending on the animal's needs and attention span"

"I use a combination of Swedish massage, T-Touch, acupressure, myofascial release, and trigger point. I also offer information about proper nutrition and the use of herbs."

"Eventually animals go into this state where they are totally relaxed and they take me with them."

Oh Christ, just read the whole damned thing.

The comments are excellent: "I teach Acupressure for Animals in Berkeley at the Acupressure Institute"

bolinas - where counter culter meets ass whooping mahem

there are few things more awesome than a bunch of hippies getting together and beating the shit out of a homeless person.

then again, there are few things more californian than bolinas, which is famously located only 2 miles from somewhere.

pro-oil extraction environmentalists

look, as a Californian I love the beach too, don't get me wrong, but am I so in love with the beach that I insist we drill all of the oil out of the ocean to prevent any from naturally spilling?

no. I am not. that would be retarded.

or, the formal position of SLO-based (emphasis on the SLOW part of SLO) SOS-California

who were apparently pissed that they drove all the way to another county to tell that county's residents that if they didn't set up a bunch of unsightly oil dereks in front of their ocean views some oil might escape and float up to the next county north.

there are starving kittens amongst the million dollar homes of monterey

so please, please at all costs do not squander your probably not earned money on starving humans anywhere else in the rest of the world.

Henry T. Nicholas III

This week in California CEOs features Henry T. Nicholas III, former CEO of Broadcom (market capitalization $15 Billion).

Backdate stock option grant dates? check.

Overstate earnings almost entirely related to those options for more then $2 Billion? check.

Party a little bit too hard? check.

Party way too hard? check.

Maintain a warehouse of cocain, ecstasy, and meth? check.

Spike the drinks of customers and fellow executives with ecstasy? check.

Really? yes.

Have massive orgies with strippers in a personal sex dungeon? duh.

Check self into rehab for boozin' it up? check.

Networth around $2.5 Billion? check.

Ladies and Gentlemen I present to you Hank Nicholas:

i have some really bad news

The 'bou is really sorry to harsh all y'all's mellows like this but it has to be done.

ED MACMAHON IS LOSING HIS $6.2 MILLION HOME!

I know - terrible isn't it?

(insert meanspirited joke about which publisher is going to clear this house here)

At least he's got a lifetime supply of Alpo to make it a bit easier to handle.

(insert meanspirited joke about alp- oh! wait, just did that)

Now, Mr. Carson, I have to ask your ghostly spirit: WTF man? Can't you hook a sidekick up?

today is a good day

not only did I not have to you my AK (nods to mr. cube) but the most perfect example of california fell into my laptop this morning.

puke your hearts out.


let's see:

met in india? check.

built a mahayana for the rapture? check.

name drop where they buy their made by 5 year olds in indonesia parasol? check.

live in a neighborhood that has heights in it that's not actually full of poor people? check.

children with names you've never heard before that probably mean things like "wellness" in some other language? check.

say it's not hard to grow chard in the yard? check.

SMOOTHIES? duh.

am I missing anything? oh yeah:

are featured in photo exposés in the LA Times? CHECK!

the economic stimulus party

what happens when you cram too many rich white bastards into one formerly poor mexican neighborhood?

the smugness just oozes out all over the place, that's what happens.

I got an email the other day that said this:

"THE ECONOMIC STIMULUS CHECKS HAVE ARRIVED!!!

Hello my friends-

I while back I sent many of you a lengthy email detailing my plan to throw an economic stimulus party. Im sure many of you have been waiting with bated breath to hear details about when and where you will be able to participate in this fabled event.

A number of factors have been distracting me and as a result I have sent you all no updates. Luckily, two local geniuses have been working in parallel to develop their own flavor of the Econ Stim party (economicstimulusparty.org) and they are throwing a kick ass shin dig on June 7 at the Northstar bar in Northbeach (check the website for details). All proceeds are going to a great charity and its an open bar. No losers there.

I have also not been totally neglecting my end of the econ stim party. In partnership with the residents of [insert hipster address here], I will be hosting a lamb roast, local foods and beer extravaganza this coming sunday. THATS RIGHT, A LAMB ROAST. We will be cooking an entire lamb provencal style and serving wonderful side dishes that even our vegetarian and vegan friends will find sumptuous. The key details are as follows: this coming sunday (May 25) we will be hosting an all day grill out at [more hipster address goes here] Mission, San Francisco, Ca.
You are all encouraged to bring something to share with family, friends and neighbors.

PLEASE CONSIDER BUYING LOCAL, SUSTAINABLY GROWN WHEN THINKING ABOUT WHAT YOU BRING."

Now, I know what you're thinking: why don't I give you the address so you can go and beat their asses. Well, the Bou' doesn't want blood on his hands, that's why he left the UN and joined up with the kickoutcalifornia.com efforts, duh.

So, what are your options? Did you have to ask?

fresh goddamned fruit is our birthright

having a new yorker tell you that you have better produce than they do is like having the person that washes your bently tell you that you have have a nice car. first of all: like, duh. second of all: if it was worth the extra effort I would totally tell your boss that you should be fired for talking to the customers.

still, i point to this article.

not to boast though. I point to it because there's a goddamned statue of ghandi in front of the fairy building.

very rich does not equal very important

So, when did being able to afford expensive tickets suddenly make someone a VIP?

I am trying to figure this out:

Former secretary general of the UN - important. yes. obviously. membership has its privileges.

50 year old housewife from the palisades who wants to see what Coachella is all about - important? no; rich. membership still has its privileges, but come on, not the same club! (hint - theirs is the Jonathan club)

So you decided to get the AMG package on your Mercedes because you might need to merge on to the 405 at 20 miles an hour, (maybe you should just get a performance brakes package instead, you live in LA after all) but why does that mean you get to hang out with former heads of state?

Also, note to Coachella management: VIP areas should have crudités. Take a note: selling VIP tickets is not the same as having VIPs. VIPs need crudités. You want a VIP area, invest in some crudités.

carrotmobs

so, here's the basic idea: you're rich, 'kay? and you, like, want people to respect what're, like, your opinions right? so what do you do? well, how about you promise to spend your money at their store if they do what you want? you get to feel good about yourself; you're saving the environment while getting stuff you want. But better than that - you get to tell some lowly small business owner that they ought to be doing what you want them to do with all that money you're giving them.

All of the benefits of slavery with none of the guilt - a real win/win scenario. You win because you get to spend your money on crap you want and you win because you get to force people to agree with you because you're rich!

AWESOME!!!

Now if only one of the fourteen Medical Cannabis Dispensaries in your hood will sign up you can really stick it to the man.

rich californians

People from san francisco apparently believe that making 200,000.00 US dollars per year does not make you rich. Really.

Frankly, I can't think of anything more absurd. Sure the cost of living is high in San Francisco; Even California's government (which, in case you were wondering, is still a state government - we're working on it), recognizes that a family needs about 70,000.00 US dollars to comfortably get by in the city. So where in the hell do people get off thinking neigh upon a quarter of a million dollars per year doesn't make them rich?

These people are jerks.

Whatever bogus land of make believe you live in (oh yeah, san francisco!) the idea that 3 families of four can survive comfortably on your income and chances are you and your significant other only have a little dog with a nice sweater collection is offensive to the people who are unloading the pallets of those sweaters to say nothing of poor vietnamese children that are knitting those sweaters.

There is little doubt the United States would be better off without these people.

Somebody should try and get them kicked out.